Wednesday, January 27, 2010
I WILL CONTROL YOU.
YOU WILL BRING ME A FOOT LONG TUNA FISH SUB. AND A DIET COKE.
But I would take some chocolate, if it's not too much trouble.
Lately I've been thinking that I might still have an issue with control. Do you?
When my friend May wrote a post about her fear of dying, I commented that I don't have so much a fear of dying as a fear of leaving my children to live without my help. But even as I commented, I realized how self centered that sounded. And that I was presuming to have much more control over their lives and futures than I actually do. I can't control their lives. I can't seem to control much of anything, really.
In fact, I could make a whole list of things I can't control.
I think I shall.
THINGS I CAN'T CONTROL:
1. The publishing industry. How long it takes to make decisions and birth books.
(Publishing industry, if you're listening, you're beautiful and I love you.)
2. When people get sick. And whether or not they get well.
3. What my children do or say when I'm not around. Or even when I am standing right beside them, as I was that joyous time I picked my baby up early from kindergarten and he turned to his friends and said, "See you later, suckers."
Nope, I can do my best at training them, but they continue to surprise me.
4. The Lieutenant Governor of South Carolina.
5. Fellow drivers on the road when my teens get behind the wheel.
6. My husband's steamy love affair with the History Channel.
7. The economy.
8. The amount of spam email I get advertising medical help for body parts that I don't even have.
9. The poverty and pain I see in my own hometown.
10. How my book sells. (I happily work hard to promote it, but I can't seem to master mass hypnotism. Do you know how? Email me.)
You'd think I'd have this control thing figured out by now.
I was formed in the womb as a Type A girl, and little by little, life has stretched and softened me. Having children helped, but France struck the greatest blow. How can you control things if you can't even communicate properly? Our French life was just what I needed in so many ways.
But lately I've been learning that maybe my lessons aren't over.
As a person of faith, I know I'm supposed to "let go and let God." I'm sorry, but I hear that expression and secretly roll my eyes. It makes letting go of control sound too easy, and it's so difficult to do. Sometimes I wonder if even my prayers are little messages sent up to try to control God, to beg God to see it my way. To align God's wishes with mine, even if I add in the part Your will be done. Even if I really mean it.
But then I think of so many amazing moments in my life that have been complete surprises, totally out of my control. If I had as tight a rein on life as I might sometimes wish for, they would have never happened. I would have never imagined them. They were gifts, completely free.
So until I figure this out, I guess I'll stay best buds with the Serenity Prayer. And I'll keep my Sudoku book handy for whenever Todd turns on the History Channel. It makes for good snuggling, and we're both happy.
Have a wonder-full Wednesday, y'all!