Friday, September 4, 2009
My Dog Should Have Been a Writer.
Don't be fooled by his cuteness. Tanner the Slobber Dog is a conniving, 90 pound Beelzebub.
But he would have made a great writer!
I decided that yesterday while I was supposed to be listening to someone's spiel about PTA. I was thinking about my favorite pair of shoes (which Tanner ate,) and then I started enumerating all the other crazy things he's ingested over the years. And because I'm hopelessly in love with the rascal, I did what all guilty parents do.
I rationalized his evil nature.
He's just too smart to behave like other dogs.
Or maybe not.
But stick with me here. Tanner may not have published anything (yet,) but he has all the qualities a good writer needs. He just uses them to fill his goat stomach .
Allow me to explain, s'il vous plaît, with a list of his most admirable/dangerous qualities.
Who else would see the jewelry box that my daddy gave me when I was little and decide that it looks delicious? Yes, Tanner ate it. Crunched the tin and the red velvet lining into little metal-y bits and swallowed it all down, leaving behind only a splinter of a leg and a few fibers of velvet.
2. A Talent for Observation
For weeks Tanner would watch us take out the margarine at breakfast, make our toast, then put the tub back in the fridge.
He noticed the impatience of my middle child, how Ben would stand in front of the toaster, waiting for it to finish. A crafty dog could help himself to some tasty spread while Ben's back was turned. Tanner licked the tub clean.
Then he helped himself to this container of goodness.
Yes, it's the spackling paste we'd left on top of the washing machine.
This snack required a call to Poison Control. They wrote down my name and address.
It takes enough energy to pluck off the eyes of two stuffed animals, but to finish off the eyes of an entire basket of beanie babies, plus those of Buddy Bear, the mascot of Mrs. Hanson's second grade class? That takes stamina.
Aw! There's Puppy Tanner, right before his disemboweled his first stuffed reindeer!
Snatching the occasional hot dog off of somebody's plate at lunch is for amateurs. It takes real discipline to make oneself run to the kitchen EVERY SINGLE TIME anyone gets a snack, even when it's something unusual like hummus, which might not even be that good.
Apparently he liked it.
Photo by carbonated
Tanner sees the ordinary, and the little wheels in his brain start spinning.
"I wonder how those tassels would fee going down?" "What does shoe leather taste like?"
We see a Christmas tree...
He sees a smorgasbord.
It took Tanner a whole day hiding out behind the grapevines, but he finally managed to unscrew that lid. It's a narrow container. Thank goodness for long doggy tongues.
So you've seen the evidence. What do you think?
If only these paws could hold a pencil.
Have a great weekend, y'all!