Friday, September 4, 2009

My Dog Should Have Been a Writer.

Don't be fooled by his cuteness. Tanner the Slobber Dog is a conniving, 90 pound Beelzebub.
But he would have made a great writer!
I decided that yesterday while I was supposed to be listening to someone's spiel about PTA. I was thinking about my favorite pair of shoes (which Tanner ate,) and then I started enumerating all the other crazy things he's ingested over the years. And because I'm hopelessly in love with the rascal, I did what all guilty parents do.
I rationalized his evil nature.
He's just too smart to behave like other dogs.
Or maybe not.
But stick with me here. Tanner may not have published anything (yet,) but he has all the qualities a good writer needs. He just uses them to fill his goat stomach .

Allow me to explain, s'il vous plaƮt, with a list of his most admirable/dangerous qualities.
1. Imagination

Who else would see the jewelry box that my daddy gave me when I was little and decide that it looks delicious? Yes, Tanner ate it. Crunched the tin and the red velvet lining into little metal-y bits and swallowed it all down, leaving behind only a splinter of a leg and a few fibers of velvet.

2. A Talent for Observation

For weeks Tanner would watch us take out the margarine at breakfast, make our toast, then put the tub back in the fridge.
He noticed the impatience of my middle child, how Ben would stand in front of the toaster, waiting for it to finish. A crafty dog could help himself to some tasty spread while Ben's back was turned. Tanner licked the tub clean.
Then he helped himself to this container of goodness.

Yes, it's the spackling paste we'd left on top of the washing machine.
This snack required a call to Poison Control. They wrote down my name and address.

3. Stamina

It takes enough energy to pluck off the eyes of two stuffed animals, but to finish off the eyes of an entire basket of beanie babies, plus those of Buddy Bear, the mascot of Mrs. Hanson's second grade class? That takes stamina.

Aw! There's Puppy Tanner, right before his disemboweled his first stuffed reindeer!

4. Discipline

Snatching the occasional hot dog off of somebody's plate at lunch is for amateurs. It takes real discipline to make oneself run to the kitchen EVERY SINGLE TIME anyone gets a snack, even when it's something unusual like hummus, which might not even be that good.
Apparently he liked it.

5. Curiosity

Photo by carbonated
Tanner sees the ordinary, and the little wheels in his brain start spinning.
"I wonder how those tassels would fee going down?" "What does shoe leather taste like?"

We see a Christmas tree...

He sees a smorgasbord.

6. Persistence

It took Tanner a whole day hiding out behind the grapevines, but he finally managed to unscrew that lid. It's a narrow container. Thank goodness for long doggy tongues.

So you've seen the evidence. What do you think?
If only these paws could hold a pencil.

Have a great weekend, y'all!
Love, Becky


Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

Oh Lord, that's some stomach on that dog! I cannot IMAGINE what he's thinking! You're right--he'd be a great writer:)

Kim said...

If he doesn't want to write fiction, he could at least blog. By the way, Daisy the Micro Mutt wants a pen pal, is Tanner interested?
Have a great day!

T. Anne said...

Aww... he was such a cute puppy!!! Still cute though.

Fete et Fleur said...

My question is how is this amazing dog still alive? I laughed from the beelzebub opening until the end. He really is an adorable rascal, and I can see why your in love with him.


LindaSonia said...

OMG!!! I am H O W L I N G with laughter. Tanner the invincible!! Gotta love him - easy for ME to say, right?? LOLOL LindaSonia

Debbie Egizio said...

Is that a dog or a goat? My goodness Tanner has one heck of an appetite. He could write for Hungry Dog magazine!

He's super cute!!!

Natalie said...

Life is a buffet. No line. All you can eat and everything is on the menu.
He should have a food blog: "What Not To Eat, " or "Been There, Ate That."

Susan said...

What a funny post. Tanner is quite the doggy. Have a great weekend. Susan.

Rosemary said...

Wow!! That is some stomach!
Have a great weekend,

judy in ky said...

Remember Klinger on the t.v. show "Mash"? He decided to eat a whole Jeep, one little part at a time. Tanner reminds me of that...

judy in ky said...

oh, but Tanner is a lot cuter than Klinger!

lotusgirl said...

Oh my gosh! Spackle! I can understand the butter and the peanut butter but silver. Wow! I might would have to put a muzzle on that lovable ol' guy.

BellaRosa said...

My stars how your post made me laugh...I thought my lil lola or "pudge" as we lovingly call her was "smart" goodness I will never look at her the same when she is eyeing things we do or leave things around :) So glad your puppy is ok...and well at least shes not a descrimating eater :) My friends dog will only eat things that come out of a refrigerated container...hmmm maybe shes the lucky one..Have a wonderful weekend! Rose

JaxPop said...

90 lb Beelzebub - I like that. Had a dog when I was a kid that ate clothespins, screening, cans, etc. Wasn't long 'til we were having the chat about "doggie heaven". Ya wanna cat? I think ours is cursed & is gonna live forever.

ToddR said...

I love how he bounces waist high when I come home. It is always a great welcome home.

May Vanderbilt said...

Wow, as the owner of a very persnickety Chihuahua who will not even eat most dog treats...I'm amazed! A metal tin?! Christmas ornaments?

R and L said...

Our furry youngster has been through the chewing phase, and boy did he ever leave some shocking results that became very good photo ops. Too many to mention. I still wear some tennis shoes that his sharp baby teeth left many punctures in. I miss that carefree part of his life, when he would chomp on anything. Now its only if an important note falls to the floor does he treat it like chewing gum, never swallows but just leaves it where we'll find it. Often the notes are still readable. And like your Hub, my spouse loves the jump up greeting every day as she returns home from work. For me, his 1" nails go just too deep for me to enjoy that. Love your pics of Tanner.

adrienne said...

Why do I think Tanner's stories would all have the same plot?

He has much in common with my dog Luna...they are lucky they're so cute...

lynsey. said...

Although I don't think my dog is as quite as smart as Tanner, she does have instinct. Can that be included? Is there hope for my dumb, instinctual dog?

Colleen Hickey said...

What a sweet dog! With an iron stomach, apparently :)

Kelly H-Y said...

Wow, he's one persistent pup! What a riot ... loved this post!

Anonymous said...

This post was a TREAT! Love you Tanner

Tanner Fan

Silicon Valley Diva said...

Such a cute post! What an absolutely adorable little fuzz ball he was when he was a puppy--although he still looks cute today. I love his tee shirt :-)

Too bad Marley and Me already came out, but hey, maybe there is a Tanner memoir in the future?

Rebecca Ramsey said...

Could be!
Hmm. Now you've got me thinking...

Nikki via The Scarlett Rose Garden said...

OMG, goofy dog!! I can't beleive he ate your jewelry box. What a shame.
He sure likes the gooey tub stuff, eh? Too funny!

Now c'mon, why slobber over a tub of spackle when you can have a cantelope sized juicy hamburger? I'm certainly drooling over that one!