Monday, August 9, 2010

Jerry, Grace, and Rosemary

Flickr photo by HA! Designs, creative commons
Before I could get his hot meal and carton of milk out of the coolers in the back of my van, Jerry was waiting for me on his back steps, clutching a framed photo in his good hand.

Jerry's waited for me on his back porch every other Wednesday for nearly five years now, so I know exactly what to expect. He'll be dressed for church since it's Wednesday, even though Prayer Meeting won't start for at least seven hours or so. His left eye will look at me while the right one darts around, and his right arm will be drawn up to his side, unless he decides to unfold it with his good arm and wave it around to emphasize a point.

I also know to expect Show and Tell. Sometimes Jerry will show me the dog his sister Rosemary gave him for Valentine's Day, the one that says I love you when you squeeze its paw. Other times it's the family of monkeys his daddy carved out of peach pits, the Last Supper clock that his preacher gave him, or one of his neckties of Bible verses.

"He's like a child," I told Todd. A child in an old man's body. A child who'll tell you that his boxers feel scratchy inside his pants, or that the smell of cabbage made him vomit yesterday. A child who likes to tell stories.
How Jerry loves to tell stories.

I can recite most of Jerry's stories by heart, particularly his favorites, which often involve household appliances. There's the one about the day his vacuum cleaner belt broke, and then the replacement belt broke right after that. (!) And there's the story about the dryer he bought from June, a girl who works with Rosemary. That dryer is 26 years old and has never been scratched SO DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT PUTTING YOUR KEYS ON IT, HEAR?

There are also the family stories, most of which focus on what a hussy 71 year old Rosemary is, how she took his camera without permission and took a photo of herself WITH A MAN, and how she loves to go to the Moose Lodge where people walk around with a beer in each hand. "I told her I can't go in there cause my church would throw me out, and then what would I have? No church to go to. I'd be all alone!" Every time he tells it, tears dribble down his face.

What story would it be today?
By the looks of the photo he was holding, it'd be the one about his sister Grace.
Grace died of a heart attack when she was only thirty one.
"She was good," he'd probably say. "So good. So much gooder than Rosemary." Then he'd start in on his favorite story of late, the one in which Rosemary called him on the phone and said "Guess what we just ate," and he said "What," and she said, "Peanut butter and banana sandwiches," and he said, "Well, where's mine?" He'd tell me again how Rosemary used to REFUSE to bring him any bananas, even though she KNOWS he loves peanut butter and banana sandwiches.
I'd listen and then I'd say what I always said at the end of the story: "Jerry, why don't I go get you some bananas right now?" and he'd say, "Naw, I got some in the kitchen. That's not the point."

I closed the van door and prepared myself.

"Hey Jerry. How are you doing today?"
"Fine. Did I ever show you this picture?"
"You sure did," I say. "Your sister Grace was a pretty lady."
"Yes," he says, stroking the photo and smiling at it. "She sure was. She didn't deserve what happened to her."
"No she didn't. It's really sad that she died so young."
Jerry snapped his head up and looked at me funny. "That's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about that man she married. The evil one. The one who woulda kilt her. That James Thornton."


Within a minute, Jerry is crying, telling me the story of how James used to make Grace walk while he drove the car, and said cruel things to her and made her cry. Sometimes he even hit her, and she'd come running back home, to Mama and to Daddy and to him. He was twenty three then. Twenty four when she died.

As Jerry tells me, the tears run down his face, through the uneven patches of whiskers, falling off his chin onto his church shirt.
"She'd run away time after time, but she'd always go back. Cept'n that last time James Thornton tried to come get her. Daddy looked out the window and saw James Thornton's car and said, 'Ain't no way he's getting her back. Over my dead body.' He pointed the gun at the car but it jammed. And there comes James Thornton, out of the car, storming across the yard. Daddy told Mama, he said, 'Mama, get me the hammer.'"

Jerry stopped for a moment to get a dirty dishtowel from inside and blow his nose on it. "You should have seen it. Daddy smacked him in the head and he fell just like a tree falling down. BOOM! Right on the floor. One of my shoes was under him. I remember that. James Thornton fell on one of my shoes."
"After he got out of the hospital he never bothered her again. But you know what? She died the next year anyway."
Jerry took a deep breath and then looked at me.
"There's a lot I don't understand," Jerry said, wiping at tears, "but I know Jesus saves. And I know He's with my sister Grace. And Mama and Daddy. Rosemary too, one of these days. Course she might not end up there." He snorted loudly, the tears stopped, and then he smiled and started telling me about the day his vacuum cleaner belt broke.

A few minutes later, I patted his hand and went back to my car to finish my route, my heart pulled out of shape by his tears, that he'd experienced such a violent thing, that his sister had lived that life.

I thought of his childlike self, how easily his tears came, and how easily they'd stop again. No, he didn't understand many things, but he knew God loved him, loved Grace, loved his church family, even loved banana hogging Rosemary.

I thought of my own self, the way I clench back my tears and bury my fears and hurts deep so they can't slip out, to preserve the image I want to project.
Do I mourn freely, and allow God to comfort me, or do I stuff it down?
Do I trust God like Jerry? Like a child? Or do I spend my time reasoning, doubting, questioning?

"Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. 15I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it."
Mark 10:14-15

God, give me faith to come to you as a child. Help me to quit spending so much time guarding and hiding and managing things on my own. Help me put more trust in you.

What does coming to God as a child mean to you? Does the thought make you bristle or give you comfort?

Have a wonder-full day, y'all!
Love, Becky


Rebecca Ramsey said...

PS. Names were changed, of course.

revhipchick said...

beautiful. absolutely beautiful.

thank you, i love a women who doesn't always feel like a blessing because i've heard her stories over and again. lately, i've not been so appreciative of her stories but your sharing of Jerry's stories, remind me of the first few times i listened to hers.

banana-hogging Rosemary. your writing is superb! thank you for touching my heart today!

Susan said...

Coming to God as a child. For me, it is just knowing something is true, without having to explain how. For me it's just something that I feel inside. For me it

My husband and I both cry. It's a good thing. Thanks for sharing Jerry's stories with us.

Anonymous said...

Jerry's faith is EXACTLY how we're supposed to have it--childlike and honest and from the heart. Thanks for reminding me that I'm not in control, (I have a tendency towards pride) that God's in the driver's seat--regardless of what happens. I'm supposed to rest in him and have faith in those promises.

Kat said...

Coming to God as a child is just the most comforting thing I can think of. It just gives me warm fuzzies all over. I hope I can always hold that image in my mind.

Thank you for such a beautiful, sad story. It really does show Jerry's faith. And what a blessing. :)

Jenny said...

childlike beautiful. How long it has been since I have run to Him with arms wide open. Thank you for the reminder rebecca..the very touching reminder.

Heidi Mann said...

There are 4 men who live in our little town -- all brothers, living together under the guardianship of a brother and sis-in-law down the street, all 4 with some sort of developmental disability, some a bit more so than others, all 4 just delightful people! Jerry reminds me of them. These guys help neighbors with odd jobs (with quite a bit of supervision). One of them graduated high school with some assistance/tutoring and now discusses John Grisham books with me (but, I gather, tries to skim over "the h word" and other profanity!). He is also the laundry-doer and cook of the household. When you meet these guys on the street, 2 of them can engage with you about little else besides the weather and sports -- yet they know ALL the players' names, numbers, bios, achievements -- all the scores and trades and injuries that have ever (it seems) happened! They are also the most friendly guys you'd ever meet -- asking after my kids whenever they see me, expressing sorrow over a neighbor's sickness or death. Some (including their guardian-brother, I believe) don't see them for their A-bilities, but only for their DIS-abilities. I just think they are the very face(s) of Jesus among us.

Tracie Nall said...

I think that I often go to God as a child...but I go to His people as an adult, sure of myself not needing anything, not wanting anyone to see the cracks in my adult facade.

Progress will be the moment that I can come as a child to His people as open to not only giving comfort, but also receiving. Trusting that they will respond to me in love, and trusting that if they don't respond to me that way-God hasn't changed.

Rebecca Ramsey said...

I'm loving each of your experiences with story lovers and your thoughts about coming to God as a child.
Really beautiful.

Revhipchick, some days I'm a better listener than others. I don't always feel like listening to the same story I've heard 50 times before. I'll try to get him onto a different track, but sometimes he won't be moved. Those times I repeat to myself that the Meals on Wheels folks are probably the only ones he talks to all day. That helps, most of the time!

Susan, tears are good. I try not to hold mine back, at least in private. They're unspoken prayers that need to get out.

GG, I certainly agree. That's what I love about MOw. My clients seem to take turns being Jesus in disguise.

Kat, yep, I'm so glad that that's all there is to it. But sometimes it seems the simplest things are the hardest for human nature. I keep at it. Reminders like Jerry help.

Jenny, I think that's what's so great about retreats. I don't get them often, but they are great for setting me on the course.

Heidi, Jerry is like that about dates. He can tell you exactly when things happened five or twenty years ago--both important things like the death of his parents, and other things, like 8 years ago, when a neighbor stole his newspaper. And he's so interested in my family too. I remember once I told him that I couldn't talk long (listen long) because Ben was sick. (He was home sick, but I also had a headache and wasn't up to it.) Before I'd left the driveway, he was on the phone, putting his name in the prayer chain, as he promised he would!

Tracie, that's a very interesting way to put it. I'm trying hard these days to welcome the child in others. I'm hoping it will rub off on me too!

Amy Sullivan said...

If only we could all feel like Jerry feels. Oh, to be that real. Real enough to tell a stranger we have scratchy underwear, and then real enough to truly share our heart.

The idea of coming to God as a child is so comforting to me. It means I don't have to pretend to be anything because God already knows.

Laura@OutnumberedMom said...

Oh, to trust God like a child. I simply love the idea. He's our Abba Father.

Thanks for sharing Jerry's stories. I smiled and chuckled and cried, too.

Karyn said...

It's so hard to allow that hurt to be right on the surface and give God the opportunity to work with and even comfort it. Very touching Rebecca.

steve said...

This was a beautifully written post, Becky.

It's interesting that his brokenness is right there at the surface and he doesn't try to hide it. Of course, he couldn't hide it if he tried. It's a good reminder that we are all broken in some way, even if we try to hide it, even if we hide it from ourselves.

I was recently reminded of this a few weeks ago when the scripture reading was the good Samaritan parable. How many times have I heard that story and seen myself as the Samaritan instead of the man in the ditch? We are all the man in the ditch, but called to be *like* the Samaritan. Sometimes I focus so much on the call to be like the Samaritan that I forget my own brokenness and need for help that only Jesus can provide. Thanks for the reminder!

Rebecca Ramsey said...

Amy, Laura, Karyn & Steve, thanks for your thoughtful comments. I just got back from another visit with Jerry and others and had read what you wrote before I left. Jerry is indeed all about being real. It's all he can be-which is a gift to those who know him.
Steve, I always picture myself as one of those walking by. Thanks for making me remember I'm also the one in the ditch. It's true & certainly the way God sees me.